Welcome to my blog and my very first post! All of the experiences in my life and the choices I’ve made, have led to this in some way. I fully believe that. I simply would not have had the courage to share my heart with the world a year ago or probably ever, had something not triggered in my soul.
I had been hinting around for a while on my photography website about this “personal project” I had been working on and this website is it. I started it a few months ago and it’s taken me longer to get my thoughts typed out for this first blog post than to actually get the layout done.
This website is a follow-up to my soul-searching, self-discovery and personal growth from the past 8 months; my own personal “mid-life crisis,” if you will.
Last year, I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting/needing to do more….to be more than just a photographer, that I’ve identified myself as for over five years. I was feeling restless and started asking myself “what am I going to do with the rest of my life?” I was feeling uncertain about a lot of things and was confused; I couldn’t get out of my own head. It was this quiet tormenting going on in my own mind that I felt no one would understand. Nothing was terribly wrong with my life but yet I felt like so much was off and something was missing.
Every human being has a need for certainty. When you feel uncertain about your purpose in this life, it robs you of opportunities to grow, expand and contribute. The consequence of feeling an overwhelming sense of uncertainty for me was a negative mindset. Put a negative mindset in charge and every single day feels like a struggle. It also keeps you stuck in “me-ville.” You know that place, the one that keeps your every thought on your troubles and circumstances that you truly miss opportunities all around to experience joy.
I allowed my mindset to set me on a downward spiral. I put myself on an emotional roller coaster and neglected my body and well-being in the process. I was overwhelmed, stressed, incredibly anxious, irritable, physically drained, and vitamin deficient. I had even lost nine pounds within one month at one point. It was a vicious cycle that continued for months.
Until one day, when I realized that I, and I alone, am responsible for everything in my life. I am responsible for my choices; what I choose to do and likewise – not to do. I am responsible for my thoughts and mine alone. And it is none of my business to test the mind or the heart of another. It is a profound thing to actually look in the mirror and say “I did this to myself. I created this.”
Through all this, I discovered hard-wired negative-pattern thinking and I’ve worked really hard at becoming a better version of myself. For example, “I’m not enough,” “I’ll never get where I want to be,” I’m not deserving,” “it’s not me, it’s them…” was the normal conversation in my head for a very long time.
An interesting thing happened when I started to recognize the error of my own ways and change more about myself – the people around me changed too. It’s funny how what you project, has a way of coming right back to you. And that’s exactly what happened. Another thing happened, people and opportunities came into my life – resources that would help me transform my thinking and how I approach life on a daily basis. Many of these I reference on the resources page.
If you look at the people in your life right now, they are a mirror of you. You attracted them into your life, in some capacity. And the simple fact that they’re there, in your life, is your responsibility – is of your choosing.
If you know me, and you’re reading this, this may be coming out of left field. And if you know bits of who I was a year ago, maybe a lot of this makes sense now.
People who are going through personal struggle don’t typically share their shame with others. And at the time, I felt no one could even begin to understand – everyone around me was either knee-deep in their own shit or had all their shit together (or so one might think). I would not allow myself to be vulnerable to others or even to myself until eight months ago, when I sought out to make the rest of my life more than I ever imagined.
What I’ve learned though? Thousands upon thousands of people are feeling right now, how I was feeling then. And thousands upon thousands, maybe even someone you know, is dealing with something internally and you have no idea.
What is going on on the inside, is projected to the outside. And those going through emotional/physical turmoil leave clues. It could be how they keep their home. It could be their own personal hygiene (I can attest to that one) and self-care (that one too). It could be their “negative-Nancy,” attitude or melancholy demeanor (this one applied to me too). We tend to inflict our own frustrations and pain to others, usually those closest to us. And what I’ve come to know is that anger is really the face of deep sadness.
It’s easy to play the blame game when you can’t bring yourself to take responsibility for your own life and your own mind (the very thoughts you have control over).
Where I found my way out was starting with me. Everything else just started to fall into place. I want my story, and this website, to be not only a source of inspiration, but also motivation for you, too, to challenge your way of thinking. I want the writings of my heart to help you live and discover your best life and find where the missing pieces may lie for you.
I’ll close this first post with one of my most favorite quotes.
“The only way out is through.” – Helen Keller
‘Ain’t that the truth. What is it, in your life right now, you are resisting to move through?